There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize