You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
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Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
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Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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