i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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