My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
if only i could text you this smell
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
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the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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