We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
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I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
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Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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