When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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