I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize