While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
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She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
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So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Randomize