Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
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My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
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He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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