The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize