I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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