so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
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That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
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Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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