i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
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I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
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You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
sex in a hospital.. check
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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