All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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