According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
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we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
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why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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