Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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