Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Even the bartender felt bad for me
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
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Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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