Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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