there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
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Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
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Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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