Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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