dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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