Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
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LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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