His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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