GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
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You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
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I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize