NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
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I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
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Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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