dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
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that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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