I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
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Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
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We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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