I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
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please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
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I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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