I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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