I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
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I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
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My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
sex in a hospital.. check
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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