you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize