I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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