i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
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I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
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I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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