You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
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my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
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ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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