Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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