Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize