Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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