Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
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I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
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As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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