did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
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It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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