If that was your dad, he is hot
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My vagina is officially offended.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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