The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
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the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
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oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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