Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
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i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
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I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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