Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
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I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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