The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
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he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
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You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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