Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Is it because I queefed?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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