Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
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i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
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In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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