His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
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I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
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DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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