i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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