This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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