Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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